Wandall, or Hopefulness
Translated from the Yiddish of Toomuch Drincks, a good man
of a good town, with additions found in the stalls of the Tipple Inn's men's room.
With apologies to Voltaire.
CHAPTER I
How Wandall Came to the Good Town and met the Mayor and went to Church
There came to the town of Dekadent, in the land of Coolyuras, a world weary wandering woman known as Wandall, who had traveled far and wide in search of a good town filled with good people. Wandall, having heard from far away of this good town, arrived believing her search had ended. A town of golden streets, where good people helped their neighbors and all the high school cheerleaders were blond. A good town, with so little crime it needed but one cop, who worked only part-time.
Upon her arrival, walking down a well-graded road of golden sand, it was her good fortune to meet up with Tim Leider, the good mayor of this good town, who was pleased to welcome Wandall and show her that she had indeed found a good town filled with good people. Tim was one of the most respected people of this good town, for he had much money from his first wife, an older woman of healthy proportions who died dreadfully by choking on fried chicken cooked in peanut oil, of which she was regrettably allergic. It was such a sadness for Tim, to lose his beloved wife after a mere two weeks of marriage, but such foresight and intelligence he had shown by insisting they have their wills drawn up the day after they were married.
- We have a fine hotel here; it would be my pleasure to drop you off there. But first, Tim said, let me show you the good people of this good town at our good church. I am headed over there now, come join me.
- But of course, Wandall said, knowing that church is where the best of people are found.
Walking into the church, a large metal building with three small plastic windows, unpainted unfinished walls and many rows of mismatched folding metal chairs, Wandall was pleased to see so many people. Indeed, she felt, this must be a good town, for every one of the good citizens were there!
The preacher stands up, the people sing along, then sit as they listen to him preach the good word to the good people. Wandall asks Tim about the preacher.
- He is a good man, our fine preacher. He has had a tragic life, as have many good people, but he goes on as we all must.
- Tragic? In what way tragic? asked Wandall.
- Ahh, the poor man. He is cursed by an evil woman, his former wife, who had the courts garnish all his money from his meager paycheck for the children. It is not his fault that she left him, he should not have to pay for children he can see but two days a week. She should be able to take care of them herself; after all, she is the one who left the marriage, shame on her. Why for does she need his money? After all, she now has a job of her own in another town. She should understand that he has a new wife and children to take care of.
- Why did she leave him?
- Oh, it was such a silly reason, no reason at all. The woman was just a cruel, evil woman. She must have been just awful, for her husband to have to maintain two other women in a good life. If she were a good woman, her husband would never have needed other women!
The preacher, having preached for 15 minutes about the evils of adultery, now asked the good people of the congregation to stand and say a prayer for the Broncos, that they vanquish the Raiders that day. All stood and prayed fervently and loudly for their success.
- I don't blame our fine preacher at all. Obviously, she was not a good woman at all, for her husband to go to others. She must have been the worst kind of witch and just an awful wife. Come, let us go, our preacher is done, you must meet this fine man.
- Done already? It has been but 20 minutes!
- The game starts in 10 minutes, Tim stated, our preacher never misses a game. He is such a fine, good man to support his team so much.
Tim led Wandall through the line of more than 500 people all waiting to shake hands with the preacher, standing at the door of the church with his basket held out for the generous $20 minimum offerings of the congregation. As they reached the front of the line, Tim introduced Wandall to the Preacher.
- Ah, so very wonderful to meet you, I am so pleased you have joined us on this fine day in our good town! Come here, we greet all our friends, new and old, with a hug.
Wandall stepped forward and allowed the blessed man to hug her, complete with both his hands on her buttocks and a quick blow from him in her ear.
- You must join us to watch the Broncos today, dear, it is a glorious thing to see. We all watch it together at the Tipple Inn.
- I think it would be my pleasure, said the weary Wandall.
CHAPTER 2
Where Wandall Talks with the Preacher and Learns His Story
The line of people slowly filed out, each getting into their respective Yugos and tractors. Wandall, knowing it was prudent to be polite, accepted the hallowed preacher's offer of a ride. As they sat in his Lexus, Wandall asked him how he came to this town.- Please, call me Pieter, my dear Wandall. Ah, this is a wonderful town I have found, such good people, the preacher said while emphasizing his words with his hand on Wandall's thigh. I spent many years in the sin-filled city of Saint Frisco, an awful place, before I came here.
- What did you do there? Wandall asked.
- I preached the good word to the people of course, but it was a tragedy, my attempts failed to help them find their way. So many evil, sinful people. A young woman, misled by the Devil himself, felt that I was too affectionate in my attempts to show her the Light of our Lord. The people, so quick to judge lest they be judged, misunderstood my methods. I felt it would be more effective for me to leave them to their sinful ways and go where my good works would be appreciated.
- So you came here?
- Not at first, I preached in two towns in Kissass and Missery first, where again Satan-loving ladies made false accusations against me, and wicked evil people listened to their false cries instead of my good word. Ahh, we are here at the Tipple Inn, such a good place, where the good people of our good town always tip at least two percent. Come in, you must come in!
CHAPTER 3
Wandall Meets the Town Child Care Provider, Nan
Standing outside the Tipple Inn while Pieter the good preacher rushed inside, Wandall looked upon the building and felt she had never seen so fine a building in all her wanderings. A large building, the front covered with many fine marble carvings of Dionysus, the windows trimmed with gold, awnings of silk, sidewalk of opal, ruby and emerald terrazzo, she saw a group of people standing outside the door drinking from etched crystal steins. To the side of the building was a large grass-covered playground, with many children playing loudly on the very best of swings and slides. Wandall stood in awe. What a good town this must be, for such a fine building to be here, and to provide the children with such a wonderful playground! Right in the heart of the town, next to the center of the town's social life! How very thoughtful of them, she thought. Walking closer to the park but not watching where she was walking, Wandall bumped right into a woman dressed in white.- Oh, pardon me, I am so sorry! said Wandall to the woman dressed in white, looking very much like a nurse.
- No problem *hic* I dunno you, are you new ss-here?
- Yes, I am new, my name is Wandall, I have wandered far and wide throughout our world in search of a good town filled with good people.
- You've come to the right *hic* pl-place. This here is one fine town, with the goodest of people! I'm Nan, ni-sh to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too. Are you watching these children? Is this what you do?
- Yesh and no, I sits here and makes shure the kids don't bother their parents whiles they at the Tipple, but it's not my job. I can't gets a job. The people here, sho good, *hic* they buys my refreshments for me and I w-wa-watch they kids whilst they be socializing.
- Um, that sure is good of them, but I don't understand, why can't you get a job?
- I'd lo-los-lose my *hic* my benefits, my eight kidsh and I would shtarve withoutsh my benefits. You know, my shections 8 and food shtamps and such. If I get a job, I loo-loo-lose my benefits. I'm only 24 but I gots 8 mouths to feed, such good *hic* kids they are, but so many mouths. Such good peoples of this town they is, *hic* to help me so!
A large man in a suit walks through the side door, carrying a Mai Tai to Nan.
- Here you go, Nan, thanks so much for your help! You are such a hard worker!
- No problem Mike, *burb* thanksh yous! replied Nan. HEY KIDS! Comes here and meet thish ni-sh woman! Heres they *hic* come now. Meet my boys, alls eights of them, all boys. Timmy, Petey, Mikey, Tommy, Eddie, Arty, Stevie, and Johnnie. Each name-ed after they's *hic* fathers.
- Nice to meet you boys.
Each boy shook Wandall's hand, then went back to play.
- Where are their fathers? Don't they help you out, you know, child support and all? Wandall asked Nan, catching her elbow so she wouldn't fall.
- Oh no, I couldn't do that, you know, ask their *hic* fine fathers for moneys, that wouldn't be *sniff* fair and all, they having families to supports and all. Besides *burb* the benefits, *hic* that's what we pay taxes for, afters all. Oh, there's the bell! It's half-time! Time for the town me-me-meeting! Let'sh goes inside!
CHAPTER 4
Where Wandall Experiences First-Hand the Efficient Workings of the Town Government
Wandall followed Nan into the Tipple Inn, thinking she must be very tired from watching so many children, for she was having difficulty putting one foot in front of the other. Once again, she found herself standing in awe. Such a fine building on the outside, even finer on the inside! she thought. Brocade wall hangings, crystal steins, chandeliers, the glories nearly blinded her eyes. To her right, she saw a dozen or so well-dressed men in crisply starched jeans, brightly faded flannel shirts and their best crushed-felt cowboy hats. They were obviously enjoying an entertaining game where each took turns swinging their clubs at golf balls, through a door into the men's room urinals. It looked to be most exciting as they exchanged dollar bills when one missed their intended target. To her left sat a large table of highly-coifed women, each with many fine jewels of glass and plastic on their fingers, having a heated discussion as to who would be next to dance on the fine, highly-polished oak bar. At the same time, some were arguing as to whom had the most bras hung on the platinum-plated moose antlers. This being a point of high honor, what with bras being so expensive after all.
Straight ahead, standing center-stage behind the bar, stood the honorable Mayor Tim, banging his crystal stein on the bar for attention, while moving a vase of red roses aside. Towards the far back, a group was throwing Baco-Bits at a small pot-bellied pig, which was running under a pool table upon which two people were laying atop one another, re-enacting their wedding night.
- Come on, people, quiet please, we still have many important matters to discuss before the game starts up again! Preacher, please, would you lead us in a quick prayer for the Bronco's continued success this game?
All got quiet, the preacher led the good people in a quick prayer. One of the women was so enthralled with the preacher's prayer she whipped off her shirt and yelled Go Broncos! as all said Amen! The mayor continued.
- First on our agenda is good news indeed. As you know, last year we paved the road outside this fine establishment, a worthy accomplishment for our fine town! The good news is that this year, we have the money to pave another road, leaving us with two, count ‘em, TWO, paved roads! The council has voted, and the decision has been made. The next road to be paved is Bias Street, where I and the rest of the council live, so that we may better serve you good people!
The entire town cheered and clinked glasses together, hugging one another. Such joyful news this was!
- Next, I have unfortunate news. We will have to find a new police officer, as we, your good Council, have finally let him go. We gave him many chances to live up to our expectations, which as you know he was unable to do. We could not waste the good money of you, our good town people, anymore on a man who would not follow our orders.
Wandall looked at Nan, who was leaning against her for support - so tired was she - and asked her why the policeman had been fired.
- Ah, he'sh a shtoopid man, that copper, he gave the mayor a ticket for sh-speeding! When Tim explaineshs that he was late for his *hic* bowling league *hic* the fo-foolish pig says he don'ts care! Good riddance.
- Bring back our old cop! shouted the bartender.
- Finally, our last point of business today, continued the good mayor. As you all know, one of our favorite sons, Pedro Phil, will be leaving our good town this Friday. We, your good town council, have decided the right thing to do, for all Phil has done for our town, is to throw him a big going-away bash tomorrow night. You are all invited to be there!
Through the many cheers of the crowd, the mayor ended the meeting as half time was over and approached Wandall.
- So how are you enjoying our wonderful Tipple Inn, Tim asked Wandall.
- I am very impressed, she responded while watching a group of people help a man get back on the leather-covered bar stool from which he had fallen. What happened to the old cop? she asked.
- Oh how we miss Krash Davies, the finest police officer a town could ever have. He had to move on, we still don't know where. So stupid, what a ruckus the County Sheriffs made out of that little fender bender! I still think that woman must have had a heart attack; there is no way you can die from being broadsided at only 70 miles an hour!
The good mayor walked back to the bar to buy a round for the house, on the council's tab of course. Such a generous man. Nan, with a fresh Mai Tai in hand, went back to her good works of watching the children, the Preacher joined the table of women to settle the argument of who has the honor of the most bras on the moose antlers, and the pot belly pig finally had enough Baco-bits to eat.
Our weary Wandall left to find her way to the hotel, a wonderful building of weathered, unpainted scrap wood and 16 channels of cable TV in every room! She was quite impressed with how well the management had patched what appeared to be bullet holes in the walls of her room, and felt the worn, faded-blood-stained sheets were a homey touch.
Wandall fell quickly asleep, with many thoughts of all the people she had met so far.
CHAPTER 5
What Happened to Wandall Among the Bowlers
Having learned the night before that there was a bowling alley in Dekadent, Wandall traveled the six blocks there with high hopes of meeting some good people. It is well known that bowling is a gentlemanly sport, enjoyed by many a good person. Standing in front of the cracked plastic sign showing the faded words "Bowl-a-Rama," Wandall looked at the tractor-filled golden sand parking lot with hope. So many tractors, there must be many farmers and ranchers here, everyone knows that farmers and ranchers are good people, thought Wandall. To the side of the front door, she spotted a large group of blond cheerleaders, happily chatting as they shared a single, aromatic cigarette.
Wandall entered the building and could not help but smile as she looked around the room, so many people here! Walking on the worn, duct-tape-patched orange shag rug, through the smoke, under many broken ceiling lights; she smiled as she passed several staff members busy cleaning up the remains of a pinball machine created by a stray bowling ball. Inhaling deeply, she sighed with pleasure as she enjoyed the fragrant aroma of well-used leather bowling shoes. As she approached the cracked linoleum-covered tables lined up along the lanes, the good mayor saw her and came over to talk.
- Well hello again, Wandall! I see you have found our fine bowling establishment! Did you enjoy yourself last night?
- Yes I did, I am only sorry I was so tired I had to leave before the end of the game.
- You didn't stay for the end of the game? said Tim, rather icily.
- My apologies, but I was very weary from all my wanderings. I have traveled many miles before I finally found this good town, Wandall replied courteously.
- Well, I guess that can be forgiven, you are new here and do not know all our ways yet. Come, let me introduce you to our league. As you know, I am sure, bowling is the sport of champions, next to football there cannot be a finer game found.
Tim led Wandall to a large group of well-fed men, all stood and tipped their hats to her as she was introduced. The captain of the team was busy putting his bowling bowl in a bag, bending over, showing his fine well-fed lower back and upper buttocks through his tight jeans and tight shirt. Seeing the newcomer, he came over to be introduced.
- Well howdy, Ma'am, mighty fine to meetcha, I'm Art, he said, tipping his well-worn straw hat. Do you bowl?
- Placing her hand in his large hand, oily from the lane grease, Wandall returned the hello and said, Nice to meet you also, no, I don't bowl.
A sudden, complete, dark silence filled the lanes. Not a pin fell, not a ball was rolled, not a drink lifted, the silence was eerily complete.
- What do you mean, you don't bowl?
- I'm sorry, said Wandall, I've never bowled, it always looked rather boring to me.
A low growling sound grew to a loud roar as our weary Wandall found herself suddenly lifted high above the shoulders of a dozen highly offended, beer-belly-busting-worn-jeans-clad men, carried through the dimly lit smoke filled hall to the front door, which was promptly kicked open by the mayor himself. Thrown out the door onto the golden sand, she found herself landing on her butt. Before Wandall could take a breath, she heard the door slam and a sound that distinctly resembled a deadbolt being turned behind her.
Well, thought Wandall, that was, um, interesting. There must be some mistake, for I'm sure they were good people, maybe this was just some fraternity-style prank of welcome. Oh well, she continued to think, as she stood up and brushed the golden sand off of her clothes, I guess I'll go back to the hotel and get ready for the party for Pedro Phil tonight.
CHAPTER 6
Where Wandall Witnesses a Good Woman Losing Her Home
Wandall, having walked but two blocks from the Bowl-a-Rama so far, again suddenly found herself down on the ground, rolling and quickly bruising to the sound of a large explosion. Coming to a stop, she spent a few minutes checking for broken bones and brushing glass, plaster, and wood chips from herself. Wandall quickly saw that the house she was walking past had exploded. A woman, crying, screaming, covered with dust and bits of the now crumbled building, came rushing to Wandall's aid, yelling at her but Wandall, whose ears were still ringing, couldn't make out the words.Within a few minutes, Wandall and the crying woman were no longer alone, many of the well-fed men from the bowling alley had arrived, along with the mayor and the preacher, Nan, and many others who Wandall had yet to meet. Her hearing returning to normal, Wandall heard the mayor calling everyone to order, as he put his arm around the crying woman.
- People! People! Some quiet, please! Everyone, listen to me! Our good sister and neighbor, Joy, has lost her home and business!
- Oh, this is such a tragedy, my house is gone, my house is gone! I told my stupid husband this would happen! Why would he not listen to me! I told him we needed a new stove!
- The mayor continued loudly over poor Joy's cries, I need everyone to pitch in to help our good Joy, she will need furniture, clothes, food, and more for her family! Who will help her?
Crying over the loss of her possessions, bemoaning the loss of her home, berating her non-present husband for his stupidity, Wandall was impressed with how quickly all the good people of the good town offered up a place to stay, new furniture and clothes, toys for the kids, food and even money to help her out. Seeing Pieter, the preacher, standing next to her, Wandall asked what kind of business Joy had lost.
- Joy, the good woman, ran a Chemtrist boutique.
- Chemtrist?
- Yes, said the preacher looking at Wandall as if she was stupid, Chemtrist, you know, Chemical Art; Joy is our good town's local chemical artist. We are so proud to have a Chemtrist here in Dekadent, most of them are only to be found in the big cities.
- I'm sure it is something to be quite proud of, Wandall responded, but what kind of art is Chemical Art?
- Well, there are many kinds of art produced by a Chemtrist, Joy's specialty are the most beautiful chemical crystals you have ever laid your eyes upon. Works of art they are, at the top of the ranks, simply stunning to look at.
The preacher turned away from Wandall as the mayor announced - to much cheering - that the town would foot the bill for Joy and her family to stay in a room at the hotel. All began moving down the street, helping the misfortunate, crying Joy towards the hotel. Wandall, of course, followed behind.
CHAPTER 7
In Which Wandall Meets Joy and Learns of the Good Man Pedro Phil
In the hotel lobby, the tragedy of Joy's misfortune was quickly becoming a spontaneous party and outpouring of generosity. After a few steins of beer charitably provided by the wonderful owner of the Tipple Inn, and much small talk and commiseration over her losses, Wandall came to ask Joy about herself and her family.- Oh we have had many hard times, my husband and I, but things have finally been looking better ever since I started work as a Chemtrist. I'm so proud of my husband, and him of me; he is the one who taught me everything I know about chemical artistry.
After waiting for her tears to slow down, Wandall asked about her art.
- It's actually very simple chemistry, Joy replied, but tricky if not done correctly. There can be problems, as you saw today. Oh, my many customers are going to be so upset with me! How am I going to explain to them that they will have to wait! wailed Joy, with yet another fresh burst of tears.
- I'm sure that your customers will understand, Wandall said comfortingly. So, how do you make those beautiful crystals I've heard about?
- I told that stupid husband of mine that we needed a new stove! But noooo, he would not listen, he kept saying the propane stove was safe enough, even though I kept telling him electric stoves are much safer for extracting the pseudoephedrine. On a electric stove, if some of it spills, it just burns, but on a gas stove, it can explode.
- Pseudowhat? asked Wandall
- Pseudoephedrine. You have to extract it before you add the sulfuric acid and red phosphorous to create the crystals. I tell you, Wandall, I made the most beautiful crystals available. They weren't just chemistry, they were near-priceless works of art! Oh, my customers, they are going to be so disappointed! That stupid husband of mine, I told him we needed a new stove!
- Where is your husband, by the way?
- Oh, he's at the storage unit packing away more of his stuff. He'll be home soon... oh he's going to be so upset when he sees what is left of the house! I am just so grateful that most of his prized possessions were already safely away in the storage unit.
- Packing away his stuff?
- Yes, packing away his stuff. We felt it would be best for the kids, what with him going away for a while.
- Are you getting divorced?
- No, of course not! responded Joy with shock. Phil loves me!
- Oh! Is your husband Pedro Phil? The one the town is having the going away party for?
- Yes, that's him, isn't it wonderful the town throwing a party for him? Such a good town, so many good people, sending off my wonderful man with such a grand party... we will all miss him so much.
- Where is he going? Why are you not going with him? If you don't mind my asking, I wouldn't want to be nosy or anything...
- My poor Pedro Phil, my wonderful husband, he's had such awful luck, it's just not fair. People are just jealous of him, his being such a good man, the things they will say to hurt him.
- What happened? Where is he going?
- Oh, it is so stupid, and it's not his fault at all. He has to go away for seven years, to a place called Leavenworth, I am sure it is an evil place filled with evil people. It's all the fault of those brainless, jealous, resentful childish girls. Can you imagine the horror of it all? Five wicked young girls, not a one of them even 10 years old, claiming that my good man Phil touched them improperly! He would never have to go to another woman, what with having ME as his wife, much less a child! Oh, it's just awful, I tell you, and even if he did touch them, it would have been their own fault for seducing him. Young girls aren't the way we were when we were young, I tell you, flaunting themselves and throwing themselves at good married men like my Phil. But those girls won't ever throw false accusations around again, what with each of their families being chased out of town by our good friends and neighbors. This is a good town, filled with good people. We don't need the likes of them, those nosy families going to the county sheriffs, filling their ears with tall tales told by their slutty, whoring daughters. Oh my, look at the time! I must get going, I need to find a dress for the party! Please do come, I would love for you to meet Phil before he leaves.
CHAPTER 8
Conclusion
Wandall said farewell to Joy, promising she would be at the party, and returned to her own hotel room. Closing the door behind her, Wandall looked around, thinking that it was a good thing she hadn't unpacked very much at all. Within ten minutes, she had her meager possessions in her backpack, walked out the door and headed towards the highway just outside of the good town of Dekadent, without a single goodbye to a single one of the good people she had met. Luck was with our Wandall, for a truck driver of generous proportions stopped and offered her a ride within five minutes of her sticking her thumb out.For many hours and many miles, Wandall found herself enthralled by the tales of the trucker, a man who, like Wandall, had spent his life on the road looking for a good town filled with good people. Laughing and crying together, sharing their complementary yet different experiences, the miles and hours passed quickly.
Wandall found a man of the same hopes and dreams as her, in this trucker of generous proportions, a man who over time she learned had a heart bigger than his body. Together they spent the rest of their years looking but never finding their dream of a good town filled with good people. Yet they were happy years spent in the cabin of the semi and the occasional truck stop, hauling much-needed toilet paper and garbage bags all around the land.
©2004, Laura DiFiore
* * *
Some Notes... (Note: all references to time are from the time this was written in 2004)
- This was written as part of a project for Professor Sutter's Masterpieces of Western Literature II class at Pikes Peak Community College on the 11th of February, 2004. The lack of quote marks around dialogue is purposeful. - The assigned project was to write "in the style of" one of the authors we studied, I chose to imitate Voltaire's "Candide," which uses dashes to indicate dialogue, not quote marks.
- Wendell is a German name for "wanderer, seeker." Wandall is the feminized version of the name.
- Dekadent is, obviously, a play on decadent.
- It's been very cold in my house this winter - my furnace is broke and the electric heater just doesn't cut it. So, I've been "cooling my ass" a lot, hence Coolyuras
- The mayor is actually a composite character of a former mayor, and our local newspaper editor.
- The former mayor actually did fire a town cop for giving him a speeding ticket. The cop was very popular, the town was so upset by the mayor's actions that a recall election was held and the mayor was kicked out. The former mayor still lives in the town, but is never seen. Update: In 2011, the former mayor was arrested for improper sexual contact with a minor and agreed to a plea bargain.
- Our local newspaper editor is notorious for his view that everyone HE knows is GOOD PEOPLE, even his friends who are wife beaters, child abusers, alcoholics, pedophiles, and drug abusers. Of course, it's hard to not like people when you spend about 60 hours a week at the local bar. He's actually never been married (43 years old!), but jokes often that he is looking for a rich elderly fat woman of poor health to marry. He often buys rounds for the house, on the newspaper's tab.
- Five years ago, we had one part-time cop. Now we have two full time and one part time.
- The local bar is not a glorious place to look at; it's actually a dump and a dive, an eyesore by any standard. It does have a fenced-in grassy area to the side, which we call the Beer Garden, where quite a few of the regulars have their kids play while they sit inside and get drunk (despite the many broken beer bottles and the dumpster). Update: In 2008, after 24 years, thanks to loss of business due to Colorado passing the Indoor Smoking Ban laws, this bar closed.
- The character of Nan is accurate to her inspiration, she is 24, does have 8 children by 8 different men, has never worked, drinks heavily, throws her kids in the beer garden to play, and does live on welfare. She's never paid a cent in taxes. Her children (6 months to 10 years old) are all "home schooled" - primarily because she can't wake up early enough to get them to school. She has not gone after any of the fathers because she doesn't want any of them to take their child away: besides, she would lose welfare benefits. The kids are all illiterate, the 10 year old smokes and drinks. At least five of the fathers are married men, good upstanding members of this fine community (no joke!) Every now and then one of the fathers will spend the night at her house, after buying her drinks at the bar all night...rumor has it she may be pregnant again.
- The particular church - one of many in town - is actually pretty much as described, except the windows are clear glass, not plastic. The preacher does cut short sermons when the Broncos play, and is involved in a 7-year long dispute with a former wife over child support (he's never paid). While he is a bit over-enthusiastic with his hugs of greetings, it is not known if he is a cheater. Rumor has it that he is paid cash by the church for his services so that she can't garnish his earnings from them... but I don't know if the rumor is true. He actually drives a Mercedes SUV.
- There are five paved roads now; it was a huge controversy six years ago when the second road to be paved was the road that the mayor of the time lived on!
- "Pedro Phil" is based on our local pedophile. Many people think it is "unfair" that he is now spending seven years in prison. He had spent five years in prison for sexual contact with a minor (a 10 year old) and was out on probation when he offered a 16-year-old girl $20 to let him have sex with her. Solicitation of a minor is a violation of his parole. The town felt it unfair that he got jail time, because if he slept with her for "free" it would not have been a violation, but because he offered her money, it was a crime and violation. "Pedro Phil," despite his history, actually was VERY popular with the women in town, and did indeed teach the real character behind Joy how to produce Meth.
- While not all of our local bowlers are offended when someone says bowling is boring, quite a few of them are, and there actually was an incident when a young man got bodily thrown out the door about three years ago. Update: In late 2008, due to the economic crisis, the bowling alley closed.
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